According to one report I read recently almost half of all marriages in Canada will end before the 30th wedding anniversary. I am sure there are many good and various reason why this is so. It is sad when something so great in the beginning can eventually collapse. On the other hand, if it is 'broke' and beyond repair, its time to go. But it got me thinking about what could be done to improve those statistics? Falling in love - an interesting expression - is truly a peak human experience. The question is, what skills are needed to keep that wonderful love alive and well?
I have no doubt that I learned something about love from my parents. As one of six children I never witnessed any tension or disagreement between them. Granted, I only spent 17 years of my life living with them at home. I also understand that given their generation, there were specific roles to be played out - the Wage Earner and the Home Maker being two of them.
I have no doubt that I learned something about love from my parents. As one of six children I never witnessed any tension or disagreement between them. Granted, I only spent 17 years of my life living with them at home. I also understand that given their generation, there were specific roles to be played out - the Wage Earner and the Home Maker being two of them.
I recall an occasion, when as a grown man, I returned to Saint John for a visit. With most of the family moved away, they had sold the big house near the harbour and moved to one in West Saint John. The street was Sunset Drive, aptly named as there was a marvellous view of the hills that embraced the beautiful Saint John River - known locally as the Rhine of America.After dinner, one evening, my parents set out for a walk. From the end of the drive I could see them, hand in hand, like two young lovers, deeply and comfortably engaged with each other, as they strolled in the evening shadows. That mental snap shot burned deep into my memory, and there it remains today - strong, exploding with colour, a lesson in commitment and enduring love.
In 1943 the American humanist psychologist, Abraham Maslow came up with the idea that we humans are motivated by a hierarchy of needs (from basic to full maturity). In other words, we are naturally moved to fulfill these needs starting with basic necessities such as air, water, food and sleep. When each level in the hierarchy is adequately met, we move up the scale eventually to the top which he called self-actualization and the need for awareness and personal growth. Some critics say there is little or no research to prove he was right. But for the sake of argument, we have to admit if you have nothing to eat, and no shelter, it is rather difficult to engage in self-awareness and personal growth exercises!
From childhood, and many would say, for the rest of our life, we are taught, through lessons and example, many new life skills. As a youth we learned to skate and ride a bicycle.We were taught to read and write and many of the other skills necessary to survive. But for some reason no one ever thought to formally teach many of us the most valuable skill of all - how to maintain and grow in a loving relationship.
Kevin O'Leary, of the Lang and O'Leary Exchange (CBC) puts a lot of emphasis on one basic need, the need for money. To a certain extent he is right, without it in one form or another, survival is next to impossible.
When I first met my wife, over forty years ago, I soon discovered I needed to learn new skills if our lives together were to grow and endure. During the initial hormonal invasion little instruction is required, but as the relationship progresses an abundance of new interpersonal skills must be learned. We had to know that our relationship was secure, that we were open and honest with one another. We learned that simply being in love was not enough. Together we had to acquire a respect for each others views, to be open with our emotions, and to be considerate and supportive of each other. As single adults we each had many friends, but a deep loving relationship was new to both of us, and together we informally set out to develop new interpersonal skills and practices that would support our love and enrich our lives. A process that is never quite complete.
Fortunately for us there have been no major 'bumps' and very few minor differences. Because we now totally trust and support each other, I believe, like my parents before me, we too can hold hands in the evening shadows, confidently knowing we are both separate and joined in our travels as friends and lovers. As Natash Bedingfield-Soulmate sings, someone tell me,"If there is a soulmate for everyone?" There sure is, so put that in your pipe and smoke it Bobby Dylan!
Well at least, we have made it well past the thirty year mark!!!
When I first met my wife, over forty years ago, I soon discovered I needed to learn new skills if our lives together were to grow and endure. During the initial hormonal invasion little instruction is required, but as the relationship progresses an abundance of new interpersonal skills must be learned. We had to know that our relationship was secure, that we were open and honest with one another. We learned that simply being in love was not enough. Together we had to acquire a respect for each others views, to be open with our emotions, and to be considerate and supportive of each other. As single adults we each had many friends, but a deep loving relationship was new to both of us, and together we informally set out to develop new interpersonal skills and practices that would support our love and enrich our lives. A process that is never quite complete.Fortunately for us there have been no major 'bumps' and very few minor differences. Because we now totally trust and support each other, I believe, like my parents before me, we too can hold hands in the evening shadows, confidently knowing we are both separate and joined in our travels as friends and lovers. As Natash Bedingfield-Soulmate sings, someone tell me,"If there is a soulmate for everyone?" There sure is, so put that in your pipe and smoke it Bobby Dylan!
Well at least, we have made it well past the thirty year mark!!!
And that's Dick's View of the World this Week
Beautifully Said Dick & so true <3
ReplyDeleteThere's an honesty in what you say! Yet I wonder if it is all you have to say.
ReplyDelete